This Is How You Love And Lose Someone With An Addiction

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When I met him in a bar and he had ordered too many rounds of liquids, I felt his pain. He turned deep, sincere, charming, and handsome. After hours of lovable communication, he stated the words, “I don’t typically do this, however can I please have your number? I experience like if I awaken the following day and I can’t touch when I met him in a bar and he had ordered too many rounds of drinks, I felt his pain. He was deep, sincere, charming, and handsome. After hours of lovely conversation, he said the words, “I don’t usually do this, but can I please have your number? I feel like if I wake up tomorrow and I can’t contact you, I’ll really hate it.” “Sure, please take my number.”
“Hey, Grace. I was thinking of you because I drove past a bunch of pumpkins and you just told me how much you love fall. I’m glad we met. Also, do you want to grab a drink with me Friday night?” “I would love to grab a drink with you,” things I thought would never come out of my mouth because I was in the process of grieving a former love that was never meant to be mine. A month and a half pass of us going on dates and staying up late to have meaningful conversations. Meeting the roommates, meeting the parents. We’re lying in his bed one afternoon, and I said to him, “Hey can I ask you something? What’s going on? I feel like you always need a drink when you’re around me. Is there something I do that makes you nervous?” He wept. “I was hoping you wouldn’t find out.” What he meant was, I have a substance abuse problem that has caused me to make mistakes in my life. One of those mistakes was losing the woman he thought he was going to marry. The conversation was painful to listen to, and with such sadness, he said, “Please don’t leave me.”

This was our whole relationship. Full of love and genuine care for the other’s well-being. I watched him fall more and more in love with me. And I, I had found a home within him and his heart. He was the kindest, most thoughtful, and beautifully spoken person. My family adored him too, which made me love him even more. But I knew from the beginning that this wasn’t what I wanted. I didn’t want to be with someone who had to depend on another substance to make his days easier or more fulfilling. I didn’t like waking up with him on the weekends, because it meant that we wouldn’t start our day until he could smoke a joint and have a couple of drinks. And that ended up being how we spent our whole weekends for the year and a half that I dated him.

Our relationship, although full of love and comfort, and excitement, eventually became too much for me to handle. He went to Taipei to visit his brother for two weeks, and I missed him to my core. I had never missed someone that way before, and even though I knew two weeks wasn’t that long, I counted down the days until I could hold him again. When he got to my place after his plane had landed, I knew something wasn’t right. “I’m just jet-lagged. This time change is hard. I need to lie down.” I was hurt, but as a laid with him, I realized that it wasn’t the time change. “Babe you’re shaking and sweating profusely. Are you feeling okay?” With eyes full of tears, “No Grace I’m not, I’m having withdrawal symptoms. I drank 12 drinks a day with my brother each day. I’m having delirium tremors, and I am so scared.”

We came up with a plan. He would taper off slowly to lessen the pain, and then he would be sober for two months. That didn’t happen, and that’s when I knew. I knew that all of my love and compassion wasn’t going to be enough to change this beast in him. It broke my heart to continue to hear the words, “I’m going to change,” because I knew he wasn’t going to. He was trying to change all on his own, but I had talked to enough people and had done enough research to know that he needed professional help to make a sustainable change.

I became exhausted. Even if we were having a great day, the minute he cracked open a can of beer, my heart broke. It became a trigger for me. We would fight over the smallest things. I started to become isolated. I avoided talking about my relationship with him to others. I stopped going out on the weekends because I didn’t want to encourage his behavior. I think I may have stopped smiling too because I had felt defeated. So I broke up with him.

It wasn’t a clean break. He reached out to me all summer. But for the most part, I stood firm in my decision to set a boundary. The boundary was, “we cannot be romantic until you start doing the inner work.” Although I missed him and his comfort, I knew in my heart that this relationship didn’t serve me to my highest good. This was the first time that I had made a decision in a romantic relationship.

Fast forward to the beginning of this October, and he sits me down to talk. “Grace, I am ready to start dating again. I finally feel good about myself. I have done the work. I want you to see that I can drink without crossing the limits. I want you to give me another chance. I have missed you so incredibly much.”

Fast forward to now, and I am heartbroken. Heartbroken in a way that makes my bones shake, my blood pressure rise and my appetite becomes non-existent. I haven’t slept but four hours each night. I cry all of the time. I question what I could’ve done differently and how I could’ve loved him better every hour. He told me that he loves me deeply, is attracted to me, wants to make this work so bad, but just doesn’t feel like we are forever and doesn’t want to do the work. He says that this is a love of a lifetime. He’s also kissing other people, taking recreational drugs with his friends, and connecting to girls who do that with him. He doesn’t want to do the work, because the work is hard. And now he doesn’t have to, because he is surrounding himself with others who do the exact same thing as him.

This is what losing someone with addiction feels like. He will turn into someone you don’t know. The guy that was once your best friend, the guy who put you on a pedestal, that loved you inside and out, will become reckless with his thinking and actions. He will hold on to you and tell you how much he loves and adores you, and in the same sentence admit that he’s pursuing someone else. He will tell you that he’s wanted to break the rules and has broken the rules because this is just too hard. You will grasp so tightly onto him and want to say or do things that keep him around but will know deep down that what’s been done has been. You’ve already lost him. You never really had him. He will tell you that he’s eternally grateful for you because you taught him how to love himself again, but you know that’s not the truth. What he’s feeling is self-acceptance due to social influence, because you know that the addiction runs much deeper and is a process that will take years and years to work through. He will turn into someone that you wish you had never met.

This is what loving someone with an addiction looks like. You will give and give and give until you have nothing left to give. You will compromise your values and worth to make the relationship work for you. You will connect on a deep level because he will say all of the right things. “No one has loved me better than you. Please don’t leave me. I need you. You make me a better person.” And you’ll believe them. But the thing about loving someone with an addiction who doesn’t want to do the work is that they will never love you the way you deserve because they don’t love themselves. They are always going to be looking for that thing that feels “right.”

That is how their brain is now programmed to work. They will be willing to compromise the most important relationship in their life because they do not love themselves enough to get real and honest with themselves. Or maybe they will get real and honest with themselves, and consciously decide that they are willing to live at a level of status quo. This is what letting go of someone with an addiction will feel like. You will have to remind yourself that you did everything right. That you loved unconditionally and followed your optimism and belief that everyone deserves to live at their highest potential. You will have to remind yourself that what you’re going to hear and witness from that person is the addiction, not them. You know how great they are and the potential they have.

You will have to practice calming your mind and staying present because you’re always going to wonder, “but what if he changes?” You will have to surround yourself with the people who love you and support your highest good because loving someone with addiction, who doesn’t want to do the work, will make you feel helpless. It is a lose-lose situation, and you will ask the Universe a million times, “why the hell wasn’t my love enough?” You will have to be gentle with you because you’ve been denying yourself self-love for the past two years. You will have to repeat to yourself, “Hey, I love you,” because you’re going to be so angry with yourself for not trusting your gut from the very beginning. You will have to stop being the hero, the rescuer, and just accept that this is the role you play on his journey. You will have to remind yourself that you will be okay and that you have and always will be okay.

That this isn’t the end-all-be-all for you, because you now know to your core what loving someone will feel like. You now know that it starts with you. And once you talk to yourself the way you would talk to your best friend, and set boundaries that allow you to be compassionate and safe, and surround yourself with people and things that only serve you positively and to your highest good, that is when you will find the love you deserve. And dammit, you deserve that.

Loving someone with an addiction is easy. Loving yourself while loving them is what makes it hard. You are going to be okay. I am going to be okay. u, I’ll truly hate it.” “Sure, please take my number.”

“Hey Grace. I turned into considering you, due to the fact I drove beyond a group of pumpkins, and also you simply advised me how a whole lot you like fall. I’m satisfied we met. Also, do you need to seize a drink with me Friday night?” “I would like to seize a drink with you,” matters I concept could by no means pop out of my mouth, due to the fact I turned into withinside the technique of grieving a former love that turned into by no means intended to be mine.
A month and a 1/2 of passes people happening dates and staying up overdue to have significant conversations. Meeting the roommates, assembly the parents. We’re mendacity in his mattress one afternoon, and I stated to him, “Hey can I ask you something? What’s happening? I experience such as you continually want a drink while you’re around me. Is there something I try this makes you nervous?” He wept. “I hoped you wouldn’t locate out.” What he intended turned into, I actually have substance abuse trouble that has brought on me to make errors in my life. One of these errors turned into dropping the female he concept he turned into going to marry. The communication turned painful to pay attention to, and with such unhappiness, he stated, “Please don’t deport me.”

This turned into our complete courting. Full of affection and really take care of the different’s nicely-being. I watched him fall an increasing number of in love with me. And I, I had determined a domestic inside him and his coronary heart. He turned into the kindest, maximum considerate, and superbly spoken man or woman. My own circle of relatives loved him too, which made me love him even extra. But I knew from the start that this wasn’t what I desired. I didn’t need to be with a person who needed to depend upon some other substance to make his days less difficult or extra fulfilling. I didn’t like waking up with him at the weekends, as it intended that we wouldn’t begin our day till he should smoke a joint and feature a pair of liquids. And that ended up being how we spent our complete weekends for the yr and a 1/2 of that I dated him.

Our courting, despite the fact that complete of affection and luxury and excitement, finally has become an excessive amount for me to handle. He went to Taipei to go to his brother for 2 weeks, and I neglected him to my middle. I had by no means neglected a person that manner before, and despite the fact that I knew weeks wasn’t that long, I counted down the times till I should maintain him again. When he was given to my location after his aircraft had landed, I knew something wasn’t proper. “I’m simply jet-lagged. This time alternate is hard. I want to lie down.” I turned into hurt, however as a laid with him, I found out that it wasn’t the time alternate. “Babe you’re shaking and sweating profusely. Are you feeling okay?” With eyes complete of tears, “No Grace I’m now no longer, I’m having withdrawal symptoms. I drank 12 liquids an afternoon with my brother every day. I’m having delirium tremors, and I am so scared.”

We got here up with a plan. He could taper off slowly to reduce the pain, after which he could be sober for 2 months. That didn’t happen, and that’s once I knew. I knew that every one of my love and compassion wasn’t going to be sufficient to alternate this beast in him. It broke my coronary heart to maintain to pay attention to the words, “I’m going to alternate,” due to the fact I knew he wasn’t going to. He turned into seeking to alternate all on his own, however, I had talked to sufficient humans and had performed sufficient studies to realize that he wanted expert assistance to make a sustainable alternative.

I have become exhausted. Even if we had been having an outstanding day, the minute he cracked open a can of beer, my coronary heart broke. It has become a cause for me. We could combat over the smallest matters. I commenced emerging as isolated. I prevented speaking approximately my courting with him to others. I stopped going out at the weekends, due to the fact I didn’t need to inspire his behavior. I assume I might also additionally have stopped smiling too, due to the fact I had felt defeated. So I broke up with him.

It wasn’t a smooth break. He reached out to me all summer. But for the maximum part, I stood the company in my selection to set a boundary. The boundary turned into, “we can’t be romantic till you begin doing the internal paintings.” Although I neglected him and his comfort, I knew in my coronary heart that this courting didn’t serve me to my maximum suitable. This turned into the primary time that I had decided in a romantic court.

Fast ahead to the start of this October, and he sits me right all the way down to speak. “Grace, I am geared up to begin a relationship again. I ultimately experience suitable approximately myself. I actually have performed the paintings. I need you to look that I can drink without crossing the limits. I need you to present me some other chance. I actually have neglected you so surprisingly a whole lot.”

Fast ahead to now, and I am heartbroken. Heartbroken in a manner that makes my bones shake, my blood strain rise and my urge for food emerge as non-existent. I haven’t slept however 4 hours every night. I cry all the time. I query what I should’ve performed in another way and the way I should’ve cherished him higher each hour. He advised me that he loves me deeply, is drawn to me, desires to make these paintings so bad, however simply doesn’t experience like we’re for all time and doesn’t need to do the paintings. He says that that is a love of a lifetime. He’s additionally kissing different humans, taking leisure tablets together along with his friends, and connecting to ladies who try this with him. He doesn’t need to do the paintings, due to the fact the paintings are hard. And now he doesn’t must, due to the fact he’s surrounding himself with others who do the precise identical element as him.

This is what dropping a person with a dependency feels like. He will grow to be a person you don’t realize. The man that turned into as soon as your high-quality friend, the man who positioned you on a pedestal, that enjoyed you internal and out, becomes reckless together along with his wondering and actions. He will maintain directly to you and inform you how a whole lot he loves and adores you, and withinside the identical sentence admits that he’s pursuing a person else. He will inform you that he’s desired to interrupt the regulations and has damaged the regulations, due to the fact that is simply too hard. You will draw close so tightly directly to him and need to mention or do matters that maintain him around, however will realize deep down that what’s been performed has been. You’ve already misplaced him. You by no means truly had him. He will inform you that he’s ceaselessly thankful for you, due to the fact you taught him a way to love himself again, however you realize that’s now no longer the truth. What he’s feeling is self-recognition because of social influence, due to the fact you realize that the dependency runs a whole lot deeper and is a technique a good way to take years and years to paintings through. He will grow to be a person which you desire you had by no means met.

This is what loving a person with a dependency appears like. You will deliver and deliver and deliver till you’ve got not anything left to present. You will compromise your values and really well worth making the connection paintings for you. You will join on a deep degree, due to the fact he’s going to say all the proper matters. “No one has cherished me higher than you. Please don’t depart me. I want you. You make me a higher man or woman.” And you’ll agree with them. But the element approximately loving a person with a dependency who doesn’t need to do the paintings is that they may by no means love you the manner you deserve due to the fact they don’t love themselves. They are continually going to be searching out that element that feels “proper.”

That is how their mind is now programmed to paintings. They may be inclined to compromise the maximum essential courting of their life, due to the fact they do now no longer love themselves sufficient to get actual and sincere with themselves. Or perhaps they may get actual and sincere with themselves, and consciously determine that they may be inclined to stay at a degree of fame quo.
This is what letting a cross of a person with a dependency will experience like. You will remind yourself which you did the whole thing properly. That you cherished unconditionally and observed your optimism and perception that everybody merits to stay at their maximum capacity. You will remind yourself that what you’re going to pay attention to and witness from that man or woman is the dependency, now no longer them. You realize how outstanding they may be and the capacity they have.

You will exercise calming your thoughts and staying present, due to the fact you’re continually going to wonder, “however what if he changes?” You will surround yourself with the folks who love you and help your maximum suitable, due to the fact loving a person with a dependency, who doesn’t need to do the paintings, will make you experience helplessness. It is a lose-lose situation, and you may ask the Universe 1,000,000 times, “why the hell wasn’t my love sufficient?” You will be mild with you, due to the fact you’ve been denying yourself self-love for the beyond years. You will repeat to yourself, “Hey, I love you,” due to the fact you’re going to be so indignant with yourself for now no longer trusting your intestine from the very beginning. You will prevent being the hero, the rescuer, and simply take delivery of that that is the function you play on his journey. You will remind yourself that you’ll be okay, and which you have and continually may be okay.

That this isn’t the end-all-be-thinking about you, due to the fact you currently realize in your middle what loving a person will experience like. You now realize that it begins off evolved with you. And when you speak to yourself the manner you’ll speak in your high-quality friend, and set obstacles that let you be compassionate and safe, and surround yourself with humans and matters that handiest serve you undoubtedly and in your maximum suitable, this is while you may locate the affection you deserve. And dammit, you deserve that.

Loving a person with a dependency is easy. Loving yourself even as loving them is what makes it hard. You are going to be okay. I am going to be okay.


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